Sadness

As I sit to write this I want to make it clear that I am suffering, even if I don't look it. Depression is a real illness.
I came to the realization that Todd and I may never have another child. I know a lot of you are thinking that I should wait until our finances are better. The truth is, we have been trying for 3 years and have been very unsuccessful. My doctor has put me on the highest dose of fertility drugs that he can, but he doesn't really have hope for me. He says that I have just stopped ovulating and he doesn't know the cause.
Yes, I know what some of you may be thinking, I am overweight and it could be a cause. Let me tell you, I have been exercising and eating better but my body will not lose weight.
I find myself crying over nothing. My meds don't seem to be working anymore.
I was so happy for my Brother and Sister-in law when they finally brought home their baby. My happiness turned into sadness and a little bit of jealousy. I was able to hold him for the first time the other day and after Nancy took him back upstairs I started bawling. I love my Sister-in law and I am so happy for her family but I had the feeling that could be that last baby I hold.
Sorry for all the baby talk. I love you all.

Struggles, Depression, and Trials

Since November, we have been debt free. Filing bankruptcy did wipe our debt but started a whole new set of problems. We were instructed by our lawyer to take out some small loans to start slowly rebuilding our credit, but no bank will give us a loan. How are we supposed to rebuild our credit when we have been denied for everything.
Our money situation has gotten slightly better but not by much. Before we filed bankruptcy we were over our budget around by around 1,000 dollars a month. Now we can save 25 dollars a month. which doesn't add up to much. We really would like to be saving more but I have cut down our budget to the bare minimum.
I also have been going through a severe round of depression. I almost put myself in the hospital because of it. Thankfully I have found LDS Family Services. They are helping me try to work through it. These past 5 months have been a struggle. I don't want to move, clean, play with Kayl, turn the lights on, or pretty much everything. It makes me feel like I'm a terrible mother and wife, which throws my further into my depression.
I really want to go to school but I know that it will put more financial strain on our little family. We are already spread so thin that I just can't bring myself to apply. Todd has been working 55+ hours a week and I can see the stress on his face everyday.
We would really like to move to a cheaper place to save some money but we can't find a 2 bedroom apartment in Orem for cheaper than what we are paying now.
It has been really hard for us, but we try to make the best of it. We just wish we could catch one little break that could cause the dam, that is holding us back, to break.

Valentine's Day

Todd and I celebrated Valentine's Day two weeks ago, but I still surprised him with a big box of chocolate, a new shower curtain, and a decorated door!

Family Night Fun

We went to The Provo Beach Resort on Monday and ended up spending 4 hours playing around. We went bowling, played arcade games and played in the big jungle gym!

I scared him so bad!

Funny Story

Yesterday, Todd and I were in the car heading to Winco to fill up the fridge. We were talking about how busy his day was when all of a sudden Kayl sneezed and Todd almost jumped out of his skin. I laughed so hard I was crying and it made me flashback to the first time I truly scared Todd.

We were living together at the time and Todd was out doing the dishes. I had just gotten home from work and went to take a shower because I hated smelling like bagels. I was in our room for about 20 seconds when I thought it would be funny to just run out of the room at Todd. I decided not to scream but since the apartment was on the second floor you could hear my footsteps and they were loud.

I ran at him, not knowing that his back was turned to me and since I wasn't screaming he thought that it was the dishwasher blowing up because I was stomping while running. Then I came around the corner and grabbed his side and he fell to the floor in tears because he had no idea that I was behind him. I was just rolling on the floor laughing at him. It was the first and last time I have ever truly scared him. Ahhh, good times.

Truth and Reconciliation

Truth: Todd and I have been in debt since before we were married. We finally decided to calculate it and it was well over 30,000 dollars. 15,000 of it was in medical bills.
Reconciliation: After many talks with my parents and our Bishop we came to a solution. Todd and I have filed Chapter 7 Bankruptcy.

Truth: We are fully aware that simply filing doesn't fix our habits. We know we have spending issues and have come to terms with it, and are learning from our mistakes.
Reconciliation: We are taking the advice of our Bishop and my parents and we are addressing the mistakes that we made head on so we will not make them again.

Truth: I have high ambitions for myself and I'm hoping to start school in the spring.
Reconciliation: I understand that it will put us in debt again but I'm fully committed to becoming a nurse.

Bike Riding

Awhile back and I both got bikes. Then Todd got hit and he got a new one. We have a really nice kid seat that Kayl just loves. I need to get a trailer for my back since I can't balance with the kid seat on there. Anyway, Kayl loves to go on rides.



I always know where Todd is because Kayl loves that horn.

Fantastic News!!!

We got a new car!! I was very nervous to but the van on KSL because I didn't think anyone would want it since it completely stopped running. But, by some miracle, a guy from Salt Lake called and said he would pay 400 for it as is. I was so grateful that he didn't care that it wasn't running.
I was still nervous to sell it because I wanted to make sure that we would have a car the same day we sold the van. I was on KSL for 5 hours yesterday searching for a working car that wasn't that expensive. Finally, I came across a car that someone was selling for 600 so we called him up and went to take a test drive. We fell in love. Then the most amazing thing happened, the guy we were buying the car from dropped the price to 400!! We broke even!!
There are a few minor things wrong with the car. The most expensive thing that will have to be fixed is an oil leak. The Transmission in this car is in perfect condition. We are excited to have a car that can pass safety and emissions, as well as be a good reliable car.
Now, the pictures!!




I'm so grateful to the years we had with the van and I'm very blessed that the Lord had his hand in this situation.
P.S. Kayl is madly in love with the fact that it is a convertible. He loves the wind in his face!!

Good Times!!!

Todd and I were at Maceys almost an hour ago and Todd did the funniest thing. We ran in to grab some snappers and when we came out Todd walked to our car and tried to open Kayl's door, it didn't open. I looked at him with a confused face and moved further away from him. So, he opened the front door and was about to unlock the car when it finally hit him that our car was actually the next one over. I just laughed.
What a dweeb.

Family Zombie Killing Time

I'll admit that we love to play video games at our house. The best ones are the Zombie games. By far our favorite is Left for Dead 2.



It's so funny when we play now because Kayl is at the age where he wants to play too, so we hand him a controller and he will get so excited to push the buttons and warn us when a zombie is coming.

Home again (June 24)

Kayl woke us up at 7 a.m. again so we packed up and checked out so we could leave as soon as possible. It was a long drive made even longer because we had to drive to Layton to drop Rachel off at her house. We finally arrived at our house around 8:30 p.m. I quickly threw in a load of laundry and we went to get groceries.
I miss California but I'm glad to be home.

Peggy Sue's and Vegas (June 23)

We woke up at 8 a.m. and had the car packed by 8:30. We were on the road by 9 a.m. on our way home. Kayl was so sad to leave his cousins.
Anyway, we drove until we got to a little city called Yermo which has a cute cafe and gift shop called Peggy Sue's. We ate some lunch there and Todd took Kayl around back to see the Dinosaur park they have.

Family Dinner and Swimming with the cousins (June 22)

The reason we were in California was for Todd's Grandparents 50th wedding anniversary. They are the two most amazing people in the world. Grandpa has survived two strokes, two heart attacks and a quadruple bypass. It is amazing to be part of this family and see the love that these two have for each other after 50 years and eight kids.

The Beach (June 22)

We tried to sleep in a little bit before heading to the beach but Kayl was so excited that he woke up at 7 a.m., so we all got up and got ready to go. It took us over an hour to get to the beach because Todd got lost. When we arrived Kayl was so confused by the sand, he keep sinking in and laughing. He had such a great time playing in the sand, digging holes and throwing shells back into the ocean.

Disneyland Day 2 (June21)

We woke up at 7 a.m. so we could get to the park the minute it opened. Todd pulled the covers off of my legs and noticed that they were three times their normal size. I could barely move, but I didn't want to miss a day, so I sucked it up for the walk over to the park. By the time we got to the main gate I was in tears so Todd ran and rented me a motorized scooter. I looked so cute on it.

Disneyland Day 1 (June 20)

Kayl was so excited to go to Disneyland that he woke us up at 5 a.m. We tried so hard to get him to go back to sleep until 7 but nothing worked so we let him take a shower and then we got ready to go.
We had a huge family picture that we had to take before we could go our own way. It took close to an hour for everyone to arrive at the park and stand in front of the Mickey flowers. There were 75 people on our group, it was crazy!!
When the picture was over Kayl started signing that he was hungry, so we stopped at one of the bakeries on Main Street and got us some pastries. They were amazing!!
After we finished eating we took Kayl on his first roller coaster, The Haunted Mansion. Let me tell you, that ride scared me to death when I was little but Kayl had a blast until the ride was over. Every time we got off a ride he would cry, but he had fun while he was on them. The second we got off that ride we went next door the The Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Kayl actually highly enjoyed this one. He waved at all the Pirates and danced to the music.
We then headed over to Tom Sawyers island and we let Kayl run around for a while. He had such a blast in the tree house.

Primm and Calico (June 18-19)

We left our house on Saturday the 18th at around 7:30 a.m. We were so excited to leave, Kayl ran to the van and sat right down in his seat, it was so cute. We drove down to St. George and made a quick stop there for my favorite food, Jack in the Box.

Whenever I go down to St. George I have to stop there and get a Sourdough Jack with an Orange Fanta.

Controversy

OK. My last post was my perception of what has been going on to be for years and Yes, I have been to extensive therapy. I have be getting help, Depression is not a thing that can be cured. I live with it day to day. I didn't mean to offend or scare anyone.
I am getting help!!

Standing at the edge of Hell

I will be very honest in this post.
For years now, I have been diagnosed with severe bi-polar disorder. I have been on medications for it since Jr. High. My manic episodes can be set off by anything and at anytime.
For the past 2 years I have been battling an invisable illness. I can feel myself slowly slipping away.
I know many people will just tell me to suck it up and move on. Depression does not work that way. I have a severe case of insomnia because when I lay down to sleep I hear voices telling me that everyone hates me and putting bad thoughts into my dreams.
Now, many of you are probably thinking that I'm just crazy and should be locked away somewhere.
I have tried to kill myself in the past and have scars to prove it. To be honest, I really don't know what compelled me to write this post. I feel that people need to understand the severity of my depression and what it is doing to me.
I can hide my depression very well. It is getting physically harder for me to hide it lately. My mind is always on. I feel on the edge of a mental breakdown.
I knew when I came to Earth that life would be hard. I've been reminded but the sweet ladies in my ward that I choose this life, I choose to have depression. It is a comfort for me to know that I did choose to have this demon in my life.
I know that Christ is watching over me, even carrying me right now. For that I am truly grateful and humbled.
I love you all and know that you love me.

Dear Job Interveiwers and World

You are getting on my nerves. Do you know how hard it is for a fat person to get a job.
I've had several interviews where the other person is skinny, cute, and underqualified. Yet they get the job because I'm fat and it is not good for PR.
I don't appreciate being called that in the interview either.
Let's go back to a time where being chubby was readily accepted.

Thanks very much

Katharine Joelle Tangreen