Controversy

OK. My last post was my perception of what has been going on to be for years and Yes, I have been to extensive therapy. I have be getting help, Depression is not a thing that can be cured. I live with it day to day. I didn't mean to offend or scare anyone.
I am getting help!!

Standing at the edge of Hell

I will be very honest in this post.
For years now, I have been diagnosed with severe bi-polar disorder. I have been on medications for it since Jr. High. My manic episodes can be set off by anything and at anytime.
For the past 2 years I have been battling an invisable illness. I can feel myself slowly slipping away.
I know many people will just tell me to suck it up and move on. Depression does not work that way. I have a severe case of insomnia because when I lay down to sleep I hear voices telling me that everyone hates me and putting bad thoughts into my dreams.
Now, many of you are probably thinking that I'm just crazy and should be locked away somewhere.
I have tried to kill myself in the past and have scars to prove it. To be honest, I really don't know what compelled me to write this post. I feel that people need to understand the severity of my depression and what it is doing to me.
I can hide my depression very well. It is getting physically harder for me to hide it lately. My mind is always on. I feel on the edge of a mental breakdown.
I knew when I came to Earth that life would be hard. I've been reminded but the sweet ladies in my ward that I choose this life, I choose to have depression. It is a comfort for me to know that I did choose to have this demon in my life.
I know that Christ is watching over me, even carrying me right now. For that I am truly grateful and humbled.
I love you all and know that you love me.

Dear Job Interveiwers and World

You are getting on my nerves. Do you know how hard it is for a fat person to get a job.
I've had several interviews where the other person is skinny, cute, and underqualified. Yet they get the job because I'm fat and it is not good for PR.
I don't appreciate being called that in the interview either.
Let's go back to a time where being chubby was readily accepted.

Thanks very much

Katharine Joelle Tangreen

Catch Up

The following are just a few pictures. Kayl always looks so miserable when he is sick. He has me wrapped around his little finger. I also made yummy Hamburger cookies thanks to my sister Emily!!

First Day of School

Today was Kayl's first day of school. He absolutely loved it. When the bus arrived this afternoon he rushed to get on. After they buckled him in he kept waving to me out the window. He did great in class. He adapted very well to the schedule and was great with the other kids. When the bus dropped him off he was in tears because he didn't want to come home. He wanted to stay at school all day. It was so cute!!

Concerning Babies

I have found myself getting baby hungry. I keep seeing a lot of my friends having their second or third child and I find myself jealous. I'll admit that Todd and I have been trying for over a year and a half now with no luck.
Things just got really bad for me health wise. The doctor was about to put me on some fertility drugs when all of a sudden my health took a turn for the worse. So, we had to put off trying for a baby. I find myself in tears most nights cause I'm longing for another child that I can hold in my arms.
Probably the worst day of my life was after I had my D&C last year and my doctor said if my body started bleeding like that again they would have to do a hysterectomy. I was devastated to hear that.
After many prayers and fasts we got the impression that we are not done having children. I felt a little better but I still feel like my body just wants to call it quits and not ever let me have a child again.
The past year and a half has been the hardest of my life. I have been to 20 different doctors who have no idea what is happening. It is so frustrating to be sick with something that no one knows what it is. My hope this year is to be healthy enough to have another child. Todd and I have both gotten the impression that it is time.
I know that it will be a long road and I would appreciate prayers and support.Thanks to everyone who reads this blog. I appreciate the love you guys have for me.

Emily & Morgan

My baby sister got MARRIED!!!!!!!! The sealing was beautiful. It was so amazing to be there. I took some really great pictures of her and she was gorgeous. Morgan is a great guy and Emily is so happy with him. I'm so glad that I was able to be there for this special day.

Lady Gaga

For some reason Kayl absolutely loves dancing to Lady Gaga. The minute he hears it in the car he goes crazy. So, we got the songs that he loves and whenever I play them he goes nuts. He just loves to dance. He is so cute.
(Side note: Kayl is starting school on January 12. I'm super excited)
Sorry the videos are dark. My house just doesn't seem to be bright enough.

Bad Romance


Poker Face

Dedicated to My Emily!! (and no one else's Emily, She's Mine!!!)

Emily says that I need to blog more to keep her up to date on what's going on around here. You could always call silly goose.
Anyway, life's been pretty busy at the Tangreen house. Kayl has been going to so many different appointments it is hard to keep track. So far, he has had three appointments with Alpine School District and three appointments with a speech and occupational therapist.
Alpine school district told me that we should know by Monday next week what school Kayl will be going too. They are hoping to get him into school before Christmas. If that doesn't work out than he will start at the beginning of the year.
Kayl will also continue with his speech and occupational therapy outside of school. I'm pretty excited to know that he'll be getting the help he needs and I'll have nine hours a week to myself. The next step is trying to figure out what to do with that time.
Well, it is official, I have been sick for an entire year. We have no idea still what is causing my sickness. I've learned to deal with it. Plus, I ran out of my pills and have not had the money to get them refilled. I feel about 65% better but my body heat is out of control.
Thankfully, I have Todd. He does so much for me. He is trying so hard to find ways to earn extra money so I don't have to stress myself out by trying to work.
Our family is doing great. I really just don't think we are that interesting so I never blog. I guess that's it for now. I'll keep you all updated on Kayl's progress.

Hmmm... I should blog more!

Well, to start off, my doctors still have no idea what is going on with me. My body presents new symptoms each day and they seem to be getting worse. Poor Todd and Kayl have to deal with the house being 32 degrees because for some reason my body cannot cool down. If my windows aren't open and my fans are off I am in tears because I feel like my body temp. is at 250 degrees. It is getting worse all the time. Thankfully Todd and Kayl don't complain, they just bundle themselves up.
On a better note, Kayl turned 3 on the 28th of October. It's so weird to think that I have a three year old. It seems only yesterday that he was born. Thanks to everyone who came to his party. Thanks for all the presents, we really appreciate it.
Back to some sadder news. Kayl is now having to go to occupational and speech therapy. He still has not started talking and he isn't walking as well as he should be. His speech therapist classified him in with the Autistic and Mental Retarded children speech wise. She doesn't think he is either if them but because his speech is so slow she is hoping we can get him into Special Ed in Alpine School district which would help him get up to speed before Kindergarten.
Happy news!!! My Little sister Emily is getting married to an amazing guy. I'm so excited for her. I think that's about it for now. Thanks for reading!!

ER Visit 10/9/10

I woke up on the morning in question feeling like crap. The night before I had been throwing up and not feeling great. I thought that I could have just gotten what Todd and Kayl had earlier in the week.
Todd was very nice to let me sleep in till 1:30. I love that man.
Around 4 pm was when everything started to go downhill. I started getting really painful chest pains. I down played them so Todd wouldn't freak out. I thought that I was having them cause I hadn't really moved all day. So, I decided that we should go to the Halloween Store. That was around 6 pm.
While at the store my left arm started to go numb and tingle. Then it would send a shooting pain up my arm. Then it went numb again. I once again down played the severity of my pain to Todd.
When we got home I noticed that breathing had become very very hard and painful. Again, being me, I down played it. I thought that I could just imagine it away. I knew we didn't have the money for the ER but that if I didn't get help and I was having a heart attack I would die.
Around 8 pm, I was in so much pain and Todd knew it. He said that he didn't care about the money, he just didn't want to lose me. So he rushed me to Orem Community Hospital.
Side Note: Orem Community is a very under rated ER. I usually go to Utah Valley and they are packed. I was the only one at the ER, it was nice.
I was put into a room really quick and was hooked up to an IV and an EKG thingy. When the doctor came in I told him all of my symptoms and that my ANA had been positive but that I hadn't been able to see the specialist to get the Lupus Panel done. He told me that my heart was fine but he didn't know why I was showing the symptoms of a heart attack.
I was wheeled to the X-Ray so they could look at my chest. After that was done they did a lot of blood tests that all came back clean.
They then gave me some pain killers that are supposedly 50 times stronger than Morphine. That's when something really strange happened. Out of nowhere my left ankle felt like someone had smashed it with a sledgehammer. The pain intensified so rapidly that they gave me more pain meds but they made it worse. They couldn't find the solution for it so they ignored it. The pain brought me to tears.
Finally, the doctor came in to talk to me about his findings. He said that I have a severe case of Carpal Tunnel and that's what caused my left arm to go numb. My chest pain is caused by Costochondritis, which is inflamed rib cartilage. He also said that I have Chronic Nausea, probably caused by my medications I take daily.
Thankfully, my family doctor, Dr. Pratte, was coming in later that night and he would be brought up to speed on my case so when I make my appointment to see him this week he will know what to look for.
I was finally sent home at 10:40 pm. It was a long, scary, and painful night. I have been sick for ten months and I'm was slowly getting worse but I seem to have picked up speed in getting worse area. Oh, well.

People Suck

I've pretty much decided that people suck. See, two years ago we moved to our current apartment and were not able to take our precious cats with us. Now, I know most of you don't really care but this is something that is very near and dear to my heart.
I loved those cats with all of my heart and was so depressed when we couldn't bring them along. Poor Kayl ran around the house looking for them for three days.
I took them to the shelter praying that they would be adopted because they were really good cats.
Two years later I go to the shelter just to look around and I get the nerve up to request the adoption information on my cats to see if they were adopted. My worst fears were realized, all three of them were put to sleep because no one wants older cats. Everyone wants kittens.
I feel so terrible that we couldn't find them homes on our own. I loved those cats and now I miss them so much and I feel so bad. People Suck!
R.I.P. Kater, Haru, and Lily, I'm so sorry.

Proof that my son is my husbands child not mine!

The other day I was awakened by Kayl screaming in his room. I turned and looked at my phone. It was 6:30 am. I rolled out of bed and walked into his room.
Kayl was sitting on his bed surrounded by black throw-up. I don't do throw-up well so I turned around a told Todd to get out of bed.
I went in and started the bath water and Todd got Kayl naked for me and I put him in the bath.
I was sitting on the floor in the bathroom when I heard Todd start laughing hysterically. He came into the bathroom with Kayl's bedding and put it in the washer. I asked him what was so funny.
When he had gone to take the sheets off of Kayl's bed he discovered a stash of Oreos under Kayl's pillow.
Evidently, Kayl decided to have a late night snack and make himself sick. I didn't even know he knew how to hide food from me. I have to keep my eye on him.

Random Pictures

We went to Macey's At 9 pm tonight and I forgot I had my camera with me till we started to drive home. I swear the people behind were wondering what all the flashing was from our car. I got some good pictures of Kayl's haircut and his smile!!

Katharine's Bakery

I've had three really good days in a row, which is a miracle. So I've been milking everything that I can from them. I tend to cook when I feel good so I started experimenting and this is what happened!

Homemade Cream Cheese Won-Tons

Chocolate Cake w/ Peppermint flavored Cream Cheese Frosting

Chocolate Cake w/ Mint flavored Cream Cheese frosting

Chocolate Cake w/ Orange flavored Cream Cheese Frosting

Yellow Cake w/ Cream Cheese frosting

Yellow Cake w/ Cream cheese frosting

Yellow Cake w/ Peppermint Flavored Cream Cheese Frosting

Yellow Cake w/ Cream Cheese frosting

Yellow Cake w/ Orange Flavored Cream cheese frosting

Update

Today I went back to the doctor to get an in-depth reading of my blood tests. Turns out that my Vitamin D has dropped lower. My glucose and Insulin are going down so thats about the one positive thing. They are Testing me for Lupus, which would suck if I have it but it is something that I know I could live with.

I Suck!!

I am such a terrible blogger. Anyway, to catch ya'll up in the goings on at our house....

I've been doing a little better since the surgery and the doctors still don't know anything. They did rule out cancer which is a good thing. My OB is really concerned with my getting sick for a week after Todd and I have intercourse. If anyone knows what cause you to throw up for four days and to not be able to walk for two days afterwards let me know. My doctor and I are stumped.

Kayl has been doing great! He can now say HI, WOW, MOM, and DAD. we read to him daily and he understands what we say. He got a cute haircut the other day so now Todd and Kayl are twinners.

I was rewarded two weeks ago for listening to Showtunes Saturday night. I won four tickets to Seven Brides for Seven Brothers and the Murray ampitheatre. Let me tell you, that was an amazing show.

I had a job interview that looked very promising but she never called me back and whenever I try to call her I can't get through. It would have be nice to work for a few months. Oh, well.

Todd was supposed to get a promotion but they ended up giving him more things to do and a pay drop. A bunch of his co-workers are upset that he didn't get the full promotion. Not much we can do but wait it out.

We took our yearly trip to the zoo the other day. Kayl was having so much fun running around the zoo. He was excited to be out of his stroller. His favorite animals are the big cats. The tigers and lynx were hiding and it made Kayl sad. So we kept walking. We got to the Snow Leopard cage and it was laying right against the glass. Kayl runs up to the glass and started to pet and kiss the kitty. Kayl misses our cats so much.

I know this may sound silly to some of you but when we had our cats I was so much healthier. I noticed my health declining 2 weeks after we took them to the pound. I don't fully understand it but I have a weird connection with cats. They just make me feel so much better. So, Todd and I have started every Saturday going to PetSmart to play with the kitties that they have there. It makes me happier. Last Saturday there was a box of kittens and I was able to pick them up and play with them. I wanted to take all of them home with me. There is this one cat there that has been there for four months now. She looks so much like our old cat Haru did. She gets so excited when I come and see her. She licks me and tries to cuddle with me. I just want to hold her and take her home. Sometimes I hate being such and emotional person with animals. I always want to rescue every animal I see.

My little sister Emily came home from her mission two weeks ago. I can't even begin to tell you how much I missed her. I missed being able to call and talk to her or her coming over cause I made cookie dough and she wanted some. I love Emily.

I think that is pretty much all that has happened in the past month.

Sarah's Wedding

I can't believe Sarah got married yesterday!! The ceremony was beautiful. Sarah looked amazing and happy. We were glad we were a part of it!! Congrats Sarah and Cory!!

Emergency Surgery

I had to have a D&C the day before Sarah's wedding. I went in for the surgery at 9 and got home at noon. That night I went to Sarah's wedding dinner and I was feeling great. Friday morning I woke up early to go down to the Manti Temple for Sarah's wedding and that is when the pain set in. Oh My!! I hurt so much. Surgery sucks!!

Grover (I know I'm behind)

I know I'm way behind. I took Kayl down to Grover with my family. Todd stayed in Orem cause he had taken too many days off already. Kayl enjoyed going to the waterfall when we got there. He really didn't like sleeping in the tent.
Kayl had so much fun playing with his cousin Rachel!! It was a fun trip!!