Thursday, March 31, 2011

Standing at the edge of Hell

I will be very honest in this post.
For years now, I have been diagnosed with severe bi-polar disorder. I have been on medications for it since Jr. High. My manic episodes can be set off by anything and at anytime.
For the past 2 years I have been battling an invisable illness. I can feel myself slowly slipping away.
I know many people will just tell me to suck it up and move on. Depression does not work that way. I have a severe case of insomnia because when I lay down to sleep I hear voices telling me that everyone hates me and putting bad thoughts into my dreams.
Now, many of you are probably thinking that I'm just crazy and should be locked away somewhere.
I have tried to kill myself in the past and have scars to prove it. To be honest, I really don't know what compelled me to write this post. I feel that people need to understand the severity of my depression and what it is doing to me.
I can hide my depression very well. It is getting physically harder for me to hide it lately. My mind is always on. I feel on the edge of a mental breakdown.
I knew when I came to Earth that life would be hard. I've been reminded but the sweet ladies in my ward that I choose this life, I choose to have depression. It is a comfort for me to know that I did choose to have this demon in my life.
I know that Christ is watching over me, even carrying me right now. For that I am truly grateful and humbled.
I love you all and know that you love me.

5 comments:

Myrna said...

Katharine. I don't know what to say, except that I do love you, and I hope for the best for you.

The Only Cool Heiss said...

Why do I remember events so differently?

Layla said...

Kathrine, get help immediately. Do not allow the demons to take over. You are loved!

coryandsarahlewis said...

Katharine. People have offered to help and you just push them away. There are things that you can do. Go to Therapy! It helps. do you remember Randy!! Go to him! Depression is not permanent you can get out of it.

Daelyn said...

Those who struggle with depression, addiction, codependence, & other mentally & emotionally debilitating conditions understand & support you. Your perception is very real to you. Others see things differently & that's ok. What's important in recovery is how YOU see things, but there's something hopeful about believing what others see in you. Good for you for sticking with therapy. Your battle with depression may not ever go away, but it is possible to learn to manage it. It will be a daily struggle but will get easier to recognize things & situations that trigger behaviors & thought patterns that impact you in a negative way. That's when you learn to change it. Recognition is key. Keep it up. I believe in you!